Laughing@YourReligion November 2013
A Lioness Awakens
God hates divorce – so stay miserable my friends
What? You SO did not just say that! Yes I did and do you want to know why? Because it’s an inside the box
approach churches have at holding people captive in unhealthy marriages. Yep, I can see you now – sitting back and scratching your head thinking... “This chick is a Christian”??? What kind of a trip is SHE on? I’ll tell you – I am on the biggest kind of Jesus trip ever!
So what’s your problem?
I’ll tell you my problem, but it’s a long one – so get your comfy pants on and sit for a chat... It’s a pretty bumpy ride.
I was born into this world, the beloved daughter of a king. Innocent and pure, I was the apple of my Daddy’s eye. I was raised by some amazing people, not just parents, but people that wanted to see my spiritual life flourish, so at a time when my parents weren’t yet going to church, a neighbor, or my oldest sister would take me.
A Lioness Awakens
God hates divorce – so stay miserable my friends
What? You SO did not just say that! Yes I did and do you want to know why? Because it’s an inside the box
approach churches have at holding people captive in unhealthy marriages. Yep, I can see you now – sitting back and scratching your head thinking... “This chick is a Christian”??? What kind of a trip is SHE on? I’ll tell you – I am on the biggest kind of Jesus trip ever!
Bible verses:
For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.
Romans 6:23
Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleaning her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless.
In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. Ephesians 5:25-28
Wake up, O sleeper,
Rise from the dead, and Christ will shine on you.
Ephesians 5:14
Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them. Colossians 3:19
For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.
Romans 6:23
Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleaning her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless.
In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. Ephesians 5:25-28
Wake up, O sleeper,
Rise from the dead, and Christ will shine on you.
Ephesians 5:14
Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them. Colossians 3:19
So what’s your problem?
I’ll tell you my problem, but it’s a long one – so get your comfy pants on and sit for a chat... It’s a pretty bumpy ride.
I was born into this world, the beloved daughter of a king. Innocent and pure, I was the apple of my Daddy’s eye. I was raised by some amazing people, not just parents, but people that wanted to see my spiritual life flourish, so at a time when my parents weren’t yet going to church, a neighbor, or my oldest sister would take me.
Going to church and learning
about God and His amazing
love, I fell in love with my first
husband Jesus. I didn’t
understand of course what all of
this meant – but I knew how I
felt when I was close to him, and
around people who loved him.
My sister who is 16 years older
than me was married when I
was barely young enough to
remember. I could see the love
in her marriage and I decided
that she had a good marriage
because she was Jewish – well
actually she is Christian but I
guess my Christian-ese hadn’t
developed into full
understanding yet. But I knew
they had something that I
wanted. I continued on with a
pretty active church life until I
was 12. My Grandmother ~ who
I was just starting to get to know,
died of a massive heart attack.
The lack of compassion from
the congregants that we thought
we had grown into our family left
a wound that caused my family
to feel that we needed to leave
the church. So now not only did I
lose my grandmother, I lost a
church structure. Fast forward a
couple of years, I started having
more serious relationships. I
thought I had found what love
was. The passionate kissing of a
teenage love ~ it didn’t seem like
there could be any more to the
picture ~ this must be what made
my sister’s marriage tick. So I
pursued more of that until I was
with someone who talked me into
having sex for my first time at 14
years old. “For the wages of sin
is death” Romans 6:23. By
having sex, I divorced my savior, and died a long and painful death. I wasn’t ready for sex. It was less than satisfying and I really couldn’t understand what all the hype was about.
having sex, I divorced my savior, and died a long and painful death. I wasn’t ready for sex. It was less than satisfying and I really couldn’t understand what all the hype was about.
When I found out that he told
other kids at school, I was so
embarrassed. I broke up with
him shortly after and vowed I
wouldn’t bother with that
anymore. But... then came
along another boy. My self-
esteem fell after my first
experience, I no longer felt
beautiful and confident. I
became a shell. But this new
boy , he pursued me in the
hallways, he called me
beautiful, and eventually he
won me over and we started
having sex. This time it was
different... this time was
definitely it! I was totally head
over heels and my parents
couldn’t stand him so it had to
be right – right? Well – parents
– if you have a daughter like I
was – key note of info here –
don’t tell her what NOT to do –
or it’s a pretty sure fire way to
get her to do EXACTL Y the
opposite.
That plan fell through. But I was still determined. Living in the house as a parent – with your parents
causes even more issues, so one night I packed up all of our things and I left. My dad drove me down and
unloaded my things, and my new perfect life began in a dirty, cockroach-infested apartment with the man
of my dreams and his family. (Yeah when I look back I do a wtf too and I sometimes hate my pure
honesty but if it helps someone...) Not long after moving in with baby daddy, we needed to find our own
space because the apartment was going to be torn down for a new government building. We found an
apartment close by and moved in. It was exciting to finally really be on our own, until reality set in. I was
finishing high school and working part time to support my baby, and baby daddy? He went fishing.
12
In case you didn’t know, God is a Jealous God. My
apartment was right across the street from a Baptist
church. I remember looking out the windows,
longing to go through the doors, but I wasn’t brave
enough. I didn’t know anyone there and I didn’t
have anyone to go with me, so on the warmer
Sundays, I’d listen for the joyful sounds of the
worship music that would joyfully pour through the
stained glass windows and doors. I longed to have
that joy back. That pure and innocent joy. I did
manage to graduate high school that summer – a
stereotype I was not about to live up to. And I went
on to start college in the fall, but as life has its way
of changing you, the ominous breakup prevailed. A
borderline abusive relationship wasn’t what broke
me; it was the drug use that had been hidden from
me. When I came home from work one afternoon, I
found him high, and my baby sleeping upstairs
alone. It was in that moment that I couldn’t take
another moment. I moved in with a friend for a
few weeks until I finally broke and went back home.
Like a new baby calf, I pushed to get back on my
feet. Igotanewjob,hadaccesstoacar,Ihada
regained confidence, but I was so messed up as to
what love really was. It was an easy lesson to figure
out that to keep a boyfriend interested, you have
sex. I finally found one who became serious enough
to marry me. I wasn’t of age yet before I started
drinking but I liked it and so did he. He had a
steady job and a nice family – so I ignored all of the
red flags that kept popping up before we actually
got married. Killing innocent animals for the fun of
it or out of anger, the violent behavior when he was
drinking heavily, the intense jealousy, the heavy
way he would discipline my daughter, the way he
would mistreat her dad. I had been so blind to all of
it. After some traumatic events in our marriage, I began feeling trapped, alone and scared, so I started going to church. I never
thought that simple act would bring me so much
trouble at home. He would get mad at me for going. I couldn’t understand why.
Giving money was an absolute no-no. I could give a
dollar or two – maybe five. His misery continued
on until one day I gave him an ultimatum. He had
been working out of town daily and would come
home so tired and miserable. I was wanting a
divorce but didn’t believe that’s what should be
done. This was my marriage – for better or for
worse. So the choice I gave him was to find a new
job or move. So we moved closer to his work. New
friends, a new life, new bars to go to. Life was so
much better for a while. My world crashed the year
my third baby was born. I was pregnant the same
time as his best friend. Their baby died a month after birth. I felt guilty, guilty because my baby was
alive, guilty because it wasn’t me, guilty. After all I
had done, I felt that baby should have been my loss.
The pang in my heart was aching to get back to that
place of home, so again I started searching. A few
occasions I’d sneak out to go to church, not wanting
to hear his disgust. But then a friend led me to a
place that for a few years, I really could call home. I
loved the place, I loved the worship, and I quickly
started growing. I was given responsibilities and
after a friend leaked the secret that I love to sing,
had me try out for the worship team and I made it.
I LOVED where I was at – I had finally found what
felt like home. I started to rediscover Jesus and who
he really is. He started removing the scales from
my eyes and allowed me to see that I am good – and even better was that he still loved me. The love I had found was amazing – I wanted it at home. The time I spent at church only caused more problems. I’d go home to the silent treatment – sometimes for a week at a time. But what I felt at church, worshipping my Jesus was so intense. I started feeling like I was having an affair and it scared me. It had to be wrong, but I couldn’t stop it. I remember feeling like I needed to leave my husband to pursue this love I had with the Lord, I felt like I was being held back – knowing if I continued the path I was going, he would surely leave me.
One night during a healing service, the pastor prophetically prayed that a member of the church would be healed of sexual abuse that night. When I heard the words I cringed. What an awful thing that person must have had to endure. As the night went on, the worship was amazing, until I felt the rush of God come over me, and I sat down and closed my eyes. Flashbacks of my childhood came to me. I was scared and not really sure what was happening... was I the one to be healed? I had never recalled anything like that happening – I used to wonder but wrote it off as a silly thought. I mustered up the courage and told the pastor what I had been seeing. The pastor sat me down and began praying, breaking off curses and protection of my family, and healing. That night was perhaps the worst night of my life ~ flashbacks flowed through me revealing bits and pieces. It made it all make sense. Why I was afraid of the dark, why I was afraid of men with deep voices and beards, why I hated being tickled. A psychotherapist held her sessions at our church and happened to be a friend of mine. I called her the following day and set up a session to try EMDR therapy. Slowly the pieces of the puzzle all started to fit and healing took place there. I was eventually able to recall the sexual abuse and the person who did it. My healing journey began. Slowly as a carefully worked out puzzle, I got stronger, I started becoming mentally healthier, emotionally healthier, but one thing remained, my broken relationship with my husband.
my eyes and allowed me to see that I am good – and even better was that he still loved me. The love I had found was amazing – I wanted it at home. The time I spent at church only caused more problems. I’d go home to the silent treatment – sometimes for a week at a time. But what I felt at church, worshipping my Jesus was so intense. I started feeling like I was having an affair and it scared me. It had to be wrong, but I couldn’t stop it. I remember feeling like I needed to leave my husband to pursue this love I had with the Lord, I felt like I was being held back – knowing if I continued the path I was going, he would surely leave me.
One night during a healing service, the pastor prophetically prayed that a member of the church would be healed of sexual abuse that night. When I heard the words I cringed. What an awful thing that person must have had to endure. As the night went on, the worship was amazing, until I felt the rush of God come over me, and I sat down and closed my eyes. Flashbacks of my childhood came to me. I was scared and not really sure what was happening... was I the one to be healed? I had never recalled anything like that happening – I used to wonder but wrote it off as a silly thought. I mustered up the courage and told the pastor what I had been seeing. The pastor sat me down and began praying, breaking off curses and protection of my family, and healing. That night was perhaps the worst night of my life ~ flashbacks flowed through me revealing bits and pieces. It made it all make sense. Why I was afraid of the dark, why I was afraid of men with deep voices and beards, why I hated being tickled. A psychotherapist held her sessions at our church and happened to be a friend of mine. I called her the following day and set up a session to try EMDR therapy. Slowly the pieces of the puzzle all started to fit and healing took place there. I was eventually able to recall the sexual abuse and the person who did it. My healing journey began. Slowly as a carefully worked out puzzle, I got stronger, I started becoming mentally healthier, emotionally healthier, but one thing remained, my broken relationship with my husband.
I eventually came to a place where doing daycare out of my home
felt like a prison. The kids screaming would put me in a trance. I
couldn’t handle it anymore. I had to break out and break free from
the daily trauma it would put me through. I got a part time job at an
eye care center, a friend knew I was looking and with my previous
experience, he hired me on the spot. Back in earlier days, my
husband would tell me that he would kill me if I ever cheated on
him. His jealousy of me even talking to other men made me feel that
even by talking to a guy I was cheating. So being back in the
working world, I was forced to converse with men. This led me to
one of the worst emotional breakdowns I had ever had. One guy at
work gave me flirty attention, and given the rejection at home I liked
it. But then I started becoming fearful. The enemy started having
his way with me. I felt like I was cheating. I was so racked with fear
that I couldn’t eat or sleep. The lack of food only fed the lack of
mental control I had. It was the perfect cocktail for chaos. Paranoia
sank in and I was afraid of everything. I tried to maintain
composure but it was affecting everything. One night when I got
home, I was so sure that he was going to harm me that I told him to
leave, and if he came back I’d call the police. He was so distressed
and nowhere to go, so he went to a friends house for the night.
Calling later on to at least come get his things for work, and as I had
promised, I had the police there waiting to make sure nothing would
go wrong. He called his parents and mine, and his father came over
the next morning trying to figure out what had gone wrong. Once
we had a coming to Jesus talk and aired out all our grievances, I was
calm enough to eat and found myself coming back to a normal non-
psychotic state.
I worked there for a little while longer until I felt I had met my full potential and needed more. A job
opened up full time at a manufacturing place closer to home that was just starting up. Our family was all
so happy for such an amazing blessing. It was great and exciting, until the ugly head of jealousy began to
creep in again. Manufacturing is pretty heavily male dominant. I would go home and share a story about
something that happened during the day and I would get negative comments back. I already couldn’t
talk about my church life with him, and now I couldn’t talk about work. I shut down, and I shut him out.
At home I was so empty. I started working longer hours with no overtime pay just to be away from
home, and took online classes to finish my college degree. The only reason I didn’t leave was because of
our girls. With both of our paychecks, I was finally giving them the kind of life I wanted for them. But I
was so empty. I had lost hope and decided that this was my cross to carry until they moved out, and then
maybe I would get a divorce. But the emptiness only grew deeper. I finally broke and found an apartment, but he promised me he’d change. So I
stayed another year, struggling to love him. We grew farther apart, and I
finally gave myself a deadline after my first daughter had moved out to go to college. We put our house
on the market to try and get away from the crime that was slowly engulfing our neighborhood. The more
we looked at new homes, the more we couldn’t agree on a mutual future, and I finally broke down and
told him I’d had enough – but this time – so had he. I found an apartment and secured it, trembling. Not
knowing if it was right. I packed my things and started moving as soon as I had the keys. Leaving my husband as a Christian woman was the
hardest thing to do. The guilt that religion put on me – just keep trying, just keep praying, God hates
divorce. But you know what? God also hates to see his babies hurting, and the fact that I was far from
him, fearing that I was letting him down kept me far from the doors of a church. But he kept whispering
to me that he loved me and wanted me to be happy. He whispered words of grace.
A month after leaving I finally had the courage to set foot in a church again, and Jesus reigned me in. He met me so strongly and spoke straight to my heart. I don’t really know all that took place inside of me that morning, but he met me in power, my body trembled, I could barely stand during worship. I know it was his cleansing fire. He broke off lies, and spoke truth; he commissioned me and explained my mission in terms I had never been able to understand before. He brought me out of darkness and back into the light. He woke my sleeping heart and brought me life.
So if I can twist the words of the devil like he does to me – God hates divorce – yes that’s true – but the marriage that God is talking about is the one between Jesus and you. Our earthly marriage is supposed to represent a Godly relationship, and if that’s not what you are getting, and it’s pulling you away from your relationship with Jesus Christ – LEAVE! Run and don’t look back. Because the promises that God has for you are far better than any guilty worry you’re leaving behind. There is no relationship on this earth worth spending your eternity in hell. If you’re already living there – let me help you get out.
Jesus in your name I pray, break the chains off of my dearly loved reading this. Give them the courage to follow your plan. Speak to their hearts and minds and confirm your truth. Renew their minds and give them a spirit of discernment to see their situation through your eyes. Give them beauty for ashes and show them how to be accepted in the beloved. “Wake up, O sleeper, Rise from the dead, and Christ will shine on you.” For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord. In Jesus name, Amen!
A month after leaving I finally had the courage to set foot in a church again, and Jesus reigned me in. He met me so strongly and spoke straight to my heart. I don’t really know all that took place inside of me that morning, but he met me in power, my body trembled, I could barely stand during worship. I know it was his cleansing fire. He broke off lies, and spoke truth; he commissioned me and explained my mission in terms I had never been able to understand before. He brought me out of darkness and back into the light. He woke my sleeping heart and brought me life.
So if I can twist the words of the devil like he does to me – God hates divorce – yes that’s true – but the marriage that God is talking about is the one between Jesus and you. Our earthly marriage is supposed to represent a Godly relationship, and if that’s not what you are getting, and it’s pulling you away from your relationship with Jesus Christ – LEAVE! Run and don’t look back. Because the promises that God has for you are far better than any guilty worry you’re leaving behind. There is no relationship on this earth worth spending your eternity in hell. If you’re already living there – let me help you get out.
Jesus in your name I pray, break the chains off of my dearly loved reading this. Give them the courage to follow your plan. Speak to their hearts and minds and confirm your truth. Renew their minds and give them a spirit of discernment to see their situation through your eyes. Give them beauty for ashes and show them how to be accepted in the beloved. “Wake up, O sleeper, Rise from the dead, and Christ will shine on you.” For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord. In Jesus name, Amen!
Resources
If you feel you are in an abusive relationship and you want to learn more, check out the links below. There IS help available.
If you are in immediate danger; call 911
Educate yourself! It’s the first step to healing
http://www.thehotline. org
http://www.childhelp- usa.com
http://www.loveisrespe ct.org/is-this-abuse/is- this-abuse?gclid=CM- 9l6mjgLsCFbBAMgodbE 4A_A
If you are in immediate danger; call 911
Educate yourself! It’s the first step to healing
http://www.thehotline. org
http://www.childhelp- usa.com
http://www.loveisrespe ct.org/is-this-abuse/is- this-abuse?gclid=CM- 9l6mjgLsCFbBAMgodbE 4A_A
